I'm super excited about how this one product could dramatically change the lives of my clients and hundreds of thousands of teachers across the nation.
I call it, the Purrrfect Bark Indexed Annuity.
I know what you are thinking, how could I be pushing an indexed annuity? I finally found something I can get behind.
The key to greatness with this product lies in a special backtesting procedure I use called #datamining. It's a sophisticated machine learning program that searches for hidden patterns in data that have yet to be used to create indexes (from which one can create derivative products). As many of you know, backtesting always works as well in the past as it does in the future.
This data is then turned into an algorithm, actually two, which I named Feisty Feline and Careless Canine (for reasons that will soon become evident). The proprietary algorithm focuses on various ownership aspects of American households and the differences between cat owner and dog owner households. We are naming the index created from this data The Purrrfect Bark Index and from this index we create The Purrrfect Bark Indexed Annuity (PBIA).
The PBIA has the following features:
Participation Rate: 500% of the growth of adoptions from shelters each year*
Surrender period: Variable based on the inverse average life expectancy of an index of shelter dogs****
Surrender charge: We want to disclose this, but feel it best not to overwhelm you
Guaranteed Minimum Return: 0% on 100% of premium
Commissions: None of your god damned business, the company pays us, so there!
Way, it gets better. We are pleased to announce there is NO Barkit Value Adjustment (you may know it as the Market Value Adjustment)!
Purrrfect Riders Available:
That's A Good Boy - an optional benefit that provides for the long-term care of your pet should you pass away unexpectedly
9 Lives - this optional living benefit guarantees that your annuity will grow 9% annually for 9 years as long as you take the benefit as an income stream over 99 years**
We are confident that anyone who purchases this unique product will reap massive returns on investment. Our backtesting shows that there is no hotter index in the market than our Purrrfect Bark index.
Not a dog or a cat person? Doesn't matter, this is about more than dogs and cats, it's about earning gigantic rates of return while taking virtually no risk***. There are a lot of indexes you can use with your annuity, but none can compare to our index. Wall Street and major insurance companies are creating new indexes everyday based on absolutely bizarre ideas, we are grounding ours in something everyone can relate to, dogs and cats.
At this point you are either super excited about this product or you've figured out this is a parody. I have recently received numerous advertisements in my e-mail inbox for indexed annuities based on new and bizarre indexes. Indexes that were created just for the insurance company and for indexes that literally had fees deducted from the return so the insurance company products could appear to pay more upside than they actually do.
The absurdity of these new indexes and the failure of the insurance industry to police itself combined with the utter failure of insurance regulators when it comes to indexed products prompted me to write the above post. Don't believe me, here are a few examples of the shit that hits my inbox.
It's far past time to start regulating insurance companies and the products they market better. We are approaching absurdity. Can the average person even decipher the above two ads? How about the average agent?
The purpose of many indexed annuities today is to obfuscate, to say it's gone to the dogs would be impugning the integrity of every "good boy" out there. There is not a pooper scooper big enough to shovel the shit indexed annuity companies are pushing these days.
Scott Dauenhauer, CFP, MPAS
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*If growth in shelter adoptions is negative, the participation rate is zero.
**Income stream is non-transferrable, even at death.
***You are taking credit risk and should take into account the rating of the insurance company.
****We want shelter animals adopted and living long lives, so the more you adopt and keep your pet healthy, the faster your surrender charges go away.
GTTD Life and Annuity - Gone To The Dogs Life and Annuity is Trademarked (it's not)!